Hi. Thank you for opening this email. Its time for Horace and Pete to now continue with number 9. This week Ann Carr and John Sharian are among our guests.
A lot of shitty things happened in the world this week. Or, I suppose, to be more accurate, the news is full of shitty things. (That sentence had too many commas in it. In fact it still does.)
Shitty things happen all over the world every day. But which ones I'm aware of is a combination of what web sites make I seek out, based on a combination of who I choose to trust and where I get the most potent "hit" of satisfaction or whatever the part of me that I'm feeding craves.
Whenever a terrible thing happens in the world and you go to a news site to read about it, and they have a video of the terrible thing, there's this strange experience when (if) you click on the video, which is that before you watch the awful thing, they show you a little advertisement. Just for that little awful video. Sometimes it's very cheerful.
When the news used to be a single broadcast that you would watch on television, with commercial breaks. There was a sense that these companies bought advertising to pay for the news to be brought to you.
But now with sponsorship of individual moments of suffering, presented to comfortable gawking consumers, it feels like someone died in a far away place (so you don't have to!) and now you get to watch. And it's brought to you by Geico!
The thing that's hard to avoid is that where there is money to be made, money will be made there. When the news is juicy, we buy more Snapple.
The truth is that the news, if you're really paying attention, is complex and boring. I often set a goal for myself that I'm only going to read the news in the news paper and to stay away from Internet news. Because the stuff that goes up on the sites is immediate, brash and badly reported. They just scoop it and slop it and chuck it. The news paper has limited space. And they have until morning to get it to you. So there's more thought put into it. Internet news is heroin. Newspaper news is nutrition. That's MY view. Don't get all mad. I'm just sharing. I'm sure there are other avenues to the truth that are web based. When I walk into the coffee places where they are literally using lab equipment and glass beakers to make the perfect coffee, I get the sense that the young people sitting at the tables are reading blogs and sites that are quiet and thoughtful. My daughter reads a cocktail of blogs on her favorite subjects, knowing they each have a bias, and averages them out to find her truth.
But I'm 48. I actually remember Walter Cronkite reporting that Apollo Soyuz was orbiting and if you live in the north east you could look up and see white and red blinking lights together and that was them. And I ran out into my front yard in Newton Massachusetts and I saw. Wow. Now of course that was probably an airplane and maybe it was Dan Rather. And also I'm a liar.
Anyway I guess the more and more we share the day's news, the more we still have each our own personal way to see it. And to decide what's important. And what you think and feel about it.
I really hope that I didn't irritate anyone with this email.
Please watch episode 9 of Horace and Pete.
Hi. It’s Saturday. Which was named after Saturn, the god the Romans made up to copy Cronos, who was Zeus’ dad. Or if you’re Bengali, today is Shonibar. In Mongolia today is sanchir or санчир. In Luxembourg, it’s Samschdeg.
No matter where you are, it’s time for another episode, or installment, or more minutes of Horace and Pete.
Go here to watch it, or to watch other episodes. As of today, there are 8.
This week Reggie Cathey joined us, as did Lucy Taylor and Colman Domingo. We had some other guests who you’ll recognize from previous… ones.
That’s all I have to say, really. Thanks for watching.
Thank you. And please, please take good care of yourself, and look out a little bit for other people too.
This week's guest stars include:
- Karen Pittman
- Rick Shapiro
- Conor O'Malley
- Craig Mums Grant
- Dov Davidoff
Happy belated/early/On time birthday.
Hello there. Your name is "there" isn't it? Anyway hello. I'm writing, of course, to let you know that Horace and Pete episode 6 is available for streaming and download.
This week begins act two. Our guest star is the terrific Hannah Dunne. I think doing this show is the most fun I've ever had.
I'd like to also thank everyone in the rest of the world for supporting the show. The show is selling well in England, France, Germany, Denmark, Australia, India, Israel and more. I wish I had the resources to create a subtitled version of the show in every language but it's already a challenge to shoot the show and get it up on the site so quickly every week.
Also, as the show is not being advertised and promoted anywhere, please share it with your friends and people you think would like it. Please don't show it to anyone you think would hate it. Although I do believe a show needs to be hated. It's part of the life of any show to have some people who devote energy to ripping it apart. It's healthy. Anyway it continues to be very interesting to watch a show spread and grow strictly on word of mouth. And you are the mouths. I mean your mouths are the mouths that... Make words. So please... Word... About it. The show.
To other mouths. I mean don't talk into people's mouths though.
Okay. I'm going back to bed. My kids don't get here for another hour.
P.S. Please stop it with voting for Trump. It was funny for a little while. But the guy is Hitler. And by that I mean that we are being Germany in the 30s. Do you think they saw the shit coming? Hitler was just some hilarious and refreshing dude with a weird comb over who would say anything at all.
And I'm not advocating for Hillary or Bernie. I like them both but frankly I wish the next president was a conservative only because we had Obama for eight years and we need balance. And not because I particularly enjoy the conservative agenda. I just think the government should reflect the people. And we are about 40 percent conservative and 40 percent liberal. When I was growing up and when I was a younger man, liberals and conservatives were friends with differences. They weren’t enemies. And it always made sense that everyone gets a president they like for a while and then hates the president for a while. But it only works if the conservatives put up a good candidate. A good smart conservative to face the liberal candidate so they can have a good argument and the country can decide which way to go this time.
Trump is not that. He's an insane bigot. He is dangerous.
He already said he would expand libel laws to sue anyone who "writes a negative hit piece" about him. He says "I would open up the libel laws so we can sue them and win lots of money. Not like now. These guys are totally protected." He said that. He has promised to decimate the first amendment. (If you think he’s going to keep the second amendment intact you’re delusional.) And he said that Paul Ryan, speaker of the house will "pay" for criticizing him. So I'm saying this now because if he gets in there we won't be able to criticize him anymore.
Please pick someone else. Like John Kasich. I mean that guy seems okay. I don't like any of them myself but if you're that kind of voter please go for a guy like that. It feels like between him and either democrat we'd have a decent choice. It feels like a healthier choice. We shouldn't have to vote for someone because they're not a shocking cunt billionaire liar.
We should choose based on what direction the country should go.
I get that all these people sound like bullshit soft criminal opportunists. The whole game feels rigged and it's not going anywhere but down anymore. I feel that way sometimes.
And that voting for Trump is a way of saying "fuck it. Fuck them all". I really get it. It's a version of national Suicide. Or it's like a big hit off of a crack pipe. Somehow we can't help it. Or we know that if we vote for Trump our phones will be a reliable source of dopamine for the next four years. I mean I can't wait to read about Trump every day. It's a rush. But you have to know this is not healthy.
If you are a true conservative. Don't vote for Trump. He is not one of you. He is one of him. Everything you have heard him say that you liked, if you look hard enough you will see that he one day said the exact opposite. He is playing you.
In fact, if you do vote for Trump, at least look at him very carefully first. You owe that to the rest of us. Know and understand who he is. Spend one hour on google and just read it all. I don’t mean listen to me or listen to liberals who put him down. Listen to your own people. Listen to John Mccain. Go look at what he just said about Trump. "At a time when our world has never been more complex or more in danger... I want Republican voters to pay close attention to what our party's most respected and knowledgeable leaders and national security experts are saying about Mr. Trump, and to think long and hard about who they want to be our next Commander-in-Chief and leader of the free world.”
When Trump was told what he said, Trump said "Oh, he did? Well, that's not nice," he told CBS News' chief White House correspondent Major Garrett. "He has to be very careful."
When pressed on why, Trump tacked on: "He'll find out.”
(I cut and pasted that from CBS news)
Do you really want a guy to be president who threatens John McCain? Because John McCain cautiously and intelligently asked for people to be thoughtful before voting for him? He didn’t even insult Trump. He just asked you to take a good look. And Trump told him to look out.
Remember that Trump entered this race by saying that McCain is not a war hero. A guy who was shot down, body broken and kept in a POW camp for years. Trump said “I prefer the guys who don’t get caught.” Why did he say that? Not because he meant it or because it was important to say. He said it because he’s a bully and every bully knows that when you enter a new school yard, you go to the toughest most respected guy on the yard and you punch him in the nose. If you are still standing after, you’re the new boss. If Trump is president, he’s not going to change. He’s not going to do anything for you. He’s going to do everything for himself and leave you in the dust.
So please listen to fellow conservatives. But more importantly, listen to Trump. Listen to all of it. Everything he says. If you liked when he said that “torture works” then go look at where he took it back the next day. He’s a fucking liar.
A vote for Trump is so clearly a gut-vote, and again I get it. But add a little brain to it and look the guy up. Because if you vote for him because of how you feel right now, the minute he's president, you're going to regret it. You're going to regret it even more when he gives the job to his son. Because American democracy is broken enough that a guy like that could really fuck things up. That's how Hitler got there. He was voted into power by a fatigued nation and when he got inside, he did all his Hitler things and no one could stop him.
Again, I’m not saying vote democrat or vote for anyone else. If Hilary ends up president it should be because she faced the best person you have and you and I both chose her or him or whoever. Trump is not your best. He’s the worst of all of us. He’s a symptom to a problem that is very real. But don’t vote for your own cancer. You’re better than that.
That's just my view. At least right now. I know I’m not qualified or particularly educated and I'm not right instead of you. I’m an idiot and I'm sure a bunch of you are very annoyed by this. Fucking celebrity with an opinion. I swear this isn’t really a political opinion. You don’t want to know my political opinions. (And I know that I’m only bringing myself trouble with this shit.) Trump has nothing to do with politics or ideology. He has to do with himself. And really I don't mean to insult anyone. Except Trump. I mean to insult him very much. And really I’m not saying he’s evil or a monster. In fact I don’t think Hitler was. The problem with saying that guys like that are monsters is that we don’t see them coming when they turn out to be human, which they all are. Everyone is. Trump is a messed up guy with a hole in his heart that he tries to fill with money and attention. He can never ever have enough of either and he’ll never stop trying. He’s sick. Which makes him really really interesting. And he pulls you towards him which somehow feels good or fascinatingly bad. He’s not a monster. He’s a sad man. But all this makes him horribly dangerous if he becomes president. Give him another TV show. Let him pay to put his name on buildings. But please stop voting for him. And please watch Horace and Pete.
Good morning. Indeed this is my weekly email, notifying you that the new episode of Horace and Pete (5) is ready for download ($3). Go here to watch it! Enjoy.
I know that some of you on this list don't want to get this email every week. And I know that some of you really like getting this email every week. I know this because I get emails from both of you. Some people write me and they say “Hey, you promised not to write me all the time. This is REALLY unfair! This is SPAM!” and some of you write me to say “Hey man. I love getting these emails. And thanks for reminding me about the show this week.” Also, whenever we delay the email for a while, to see if maybe people will come out of habit to watch the show, some do. But not many. And then I send out the email and boom. There’s an explosion of sales on the new episode and even the old ones. And the explosion reverberates though the week. So. I’m gonna keep sending the emails.
You may be asking yourselves, or asking me, though within yourselves, “Why don’t you just let some people opt out of the Horace and Pete email list?” Well, the fact is that I did tell my web guys to create some category options for the email list. And to be fair for them, they did that very thing. And they emailed me a few days ago, showing me those options and asking me to review and approve them. And I haven’t looked at it. Because I’m very busy right now doing lots of things like, for instance, taking my kids to school in the mornings, picking them up later, politely asking the dog not to chew things, building a Trump shelter like everyone else, creating and paying for a whole television series and distributing it to you directly. So yeah, I’m fucking busy. Sorry for cursing.
So for the time being, you’re going to get one of these for every episode of Horace and Pete. If I’m really cluttering up your email box, opt out of the list. And then come back when the series is over. I mean, you could do that. (although I’m going on tour very soon and you might miss out on an announcement on tickets going on sale). You really could just opt out, and leave things how they are for the people who like the emails. In fact, you know what? I’m not making a sub-list for Horace and Pete. I’m not. I have one list. This is it. This show won’t always be on. You know what? Also? I think I've gotten a total of 7 emails from people complaining about these reminders. And the result is that hundreds of thousands of you are getting this vomit of my insecurity this morning.
Okay. Just… If you want to see the next episode, it’s there. It’s number 5.
Oh also, some of you (like 4 of you) have written me to ask that I give you more information about Horace and Pete. You say you want clips to watch and some synopsis of the show, so that you don’t have to unduly risk your 3 dollars. Well. No. I won’t. If you want to try the show, try it. If you don’t, don’t. So far I’m very happy with the amount of you that do. And about 6 of you have asked me to tell you how many episodes are coming, so that you can decide based on that whether you want to get involved in the show, knowing how far you have to go. Again, no. I won’t tell you how many are coming.
By the way, for the 11 emails I’m addressing here, hundreds of you write me every day just to say that you love the show. So why is this happening right now? What is it about how good feelings and positive messages just flow past like water, while the negative gets addressed and dealt with?
Why don’t I write you a happy email, that reflects the overwhelmingly positive response to the show, by thanking you for sharing your positive thoughts? Well, I can only answer by saying that the twelve year old boy who still lives inside of me would say “Because that’s gay”. And I guess I’m not afraid to insult gay people by saying that an adolescent side of me believes they are polite and friendly.
You know what there has been one message of concern I’ve gotten that is worth mentioning. Some people ask why I don’t create a subscription option where you can buy all of the episodes up front at a discount? That’s such a good idea! But I can’t do it. Because I haven’t made all of the shows yet. I make the show every week and then put it up. What if I get you to buy them ahead of time and then I break my head open and can’t make anymore? So sorry. You have to pay for one at a time.
I probably shouldn’t send this email. But I will. I think it’s okay that you see this side of me. Like when I’m with my kids and I catch myself, realizing I’ve been a cranky asshole with them for the last couple of hours. I catch it and inside of myself I think “You’re being a dick. Cool off” but then I think “Well, keep it like this for another ten minutes” and I stay cranky a little longer, even though I have the control now to scale it back. I realize that that example might make me sound like a sociopath. Well, okay. Think what you want.
I think a lot of you reading this email will come to the following conclusion “Boy, for a guy who really wants us to think that he doesn’t give a shit what we think, he sure did just write a long email all about how he really gives a shit what we think.” Which is fair. I’m not a perfectly balanced person. What I like to think is that I am happy if people like me, and I'm okay if they don’t. I just do my best. Anyway, I don’t have twitter anymore. I don’t do a lot of interviews. And I like talking to people. So… okay. I think that’s really more than enough. This is like you had a brunch and everyone left and I stayed and I’m not even your favorite guest and you’re watching me sit in your house and talk until my mouth gets white and dry and you really have to take a shit but you’re waiting for me to shut up and leave. So I will.
Here’s the link again for episode 5. And also I’m going on tour soon. It’s going to be a big long tour of lots of cities.
May god’s light shine on our supreme leader, Master Donald Trump.
Hello and happy Saturday morning. Episode 4 of Horace and Pete is now available for download. It's 3 dollars.
Go here to watch the show.
Hello you folk.
So episode 3 of Horace and Pete is ready for download here for 3 dollars of money.
You may watch it now or later or go back and get 1 or 2 and watch those first.
I really love making Horace and Pete. I want to thank you all for supporting it and for expressing your enjoyment.
This week's episode features the great Laurie Metcalfe.
Enjoy your weekend.
Hi there people and dogs who watch tv.
Horace and Pete episode 2 is available for download.
This episode is $2.
Warning: this show is not a "comedy". I dunno what it is. It can be funny. And also not. Both. I believe that "funny" works best in its natural habitat. Right in the jungle along with "awful", "sad", "confusing" and "nothing".
I just think it's fair this one time to warn you since you have every right to expect a comedy from a comedian. I will not warn you again. Anyway it's 2 dollars this week. Take a shot.
Go to your mothers house if you want to see a smile. No matter who you are, you don't go see her enough.
Have a great weekend.
Hello friend guy lady or other,
Some of you are aware that, last Saturday, I launched a new series on my site called “Horace and Pete”. I’m writing now to tell you some stuff about it….
Horace and Pete is a new show that I am producing, directing, writing, distributing and financing on my own. I have an amazing cast: Steve Buscemi, Edie Falco, Alan Alda, Jessica Lange, Aidy Bryant, Steven Wright, Kurt Metzger and other guest stars. Also Paul Simon wrote and performed the theme song which is beautiful.
The response to episode one has been great so far and there are more coming. We are making them now and having a lot of fun doing it.
Part of the idea behind launching it on the site was to create a show in a new way and to provide it to you directly and immediately, without the usual promotion, banner ads, billboards and clips that tell you what the show feels and looks like before you get to see it for yourself. As a writer, there’s always a weird feeing that as you unfold the story and reveal the characters and the tone, you always know that the audience will never get the benefit of seeing it the way you wrote it because they always know so much before they watch it. And as a TV watcher I’m always delighted when I can see a thing without knowing anything about it because of the promotion. So making this show and just posting it out of the blue gave me the rare opportunity to give you that experience of discovery.
Also because we are shooting this show in a multi-camera format with an emphasis on a live feeling, we are able to post it very soon after each episode is shot. So I’m making this show as you’re watching it.
Okay so let’s talk for a minute about the five dollars of it all. If you’re on this email list then you’re probably aware that I always make an effort to make the work I do on my own as cheap as possible and as painless as possible to get. That’s why my specials are five dollars and that’s why I sold tickets to my last big tour here on the site, with our own ticketing service at a flat price with no ticket charges and we have worked hard to keep my tickets out of the hands of scalpers.
So why the dirty fuckballs did I charge you five dollars for Horace and Pete, where most TV shows you buy online are 3 dollars or less? Well, the dirty unmovable fact is that this show is fucking expensive.
The standup specials are much more containable. It’s one guy on a stage in a theater and in most cases, the cost of the tickets that the live audience paid, was enough to finance the filming.
But Horace and Pete is a full on TV production with four broadcast cameras, two beautiful sets and a state of the art control room and a very talented and skilled crew and a hall-of-fame cast. Every second the cameras are rolling, money is shooting out of my asshole like your mother’s worst diarrhea. (Yes there are less upsetting metaphors I could be using but I just think that one is the sharpest and most concise). Basically this is a hand-made, one guy paid for it version of a thing that is usually made by a giant corporation.
Now, I’m not complaining about this at all. I’m just telling you the facts. I charged five dollars because I need to recoup some of the cost in order for us to stay in production.
Also, it’s interesting. The value of any set amount of money is mercurial (I’m showing off because i just learned that word. It means it changes and shifts a lot). Some people say “Five dollars is a cup of coffee”. Some people say “Hey! Five dollars?? What the fuck!” Some people say “What are you guys talking about?” Some people say “Nothing. don’t enter a conversation in the middle”.
Anyway, I’m leaving the first episode at 5 dollars. I'm lowering the next episode to 2 dollars and the rest will be 3 dollars after that. I hope you feel that’s fair. If you don’t, please tell everyone in the world.
Meanwhile, we’re going to keep making Horace and Pete. We’re going to keep telling you the story.
I sincerely hope that you enjoy it. I’ll write you again later and tell you more about it. It’s fun to talk about. But for now I want to shut up and not ruin the experience of you just watching the show.
Enjoy episode 2 of Horace and Pete. We’re shooting it now. You’ll get it on Saturday morning.